TLOZ: Ember Trigger
by NoxicShockSyndrome
Summary: After a particularly lousy day, all our sullen hero wants to do is have a drink and find a dry place to sleep. An obnoxious fairy, a snarky old man, and an old legend have other ideas. Will our hero find peace of mind, or at least a parking place?
1. Down and Out

Horseshit. Pure and unadulterated horseshit. I'd had eight, maybe nine shots at most. No reason for the bartender to cut me off like that. I leaned against the wall of the establishment and fumbled for the pack of smokesticks tucked away in my tunic pocket. Likely they'd be my last for a bit, since Rondan decided to fire me. At least my clothes might stop smelling like manure. I didn't really see why he had to be such a bastard about it, but then I didn't see much sense in anything that incompetent jackass did. So I overslept again. It wasn't like the horse turds were going anywhere, now was it. Couldn't just fire me like a normal person, either. Had to give this big speech about "Link, you're not dependable, and you'll never get anywhere, and you were lucky to get this job," and on and on. Great goddesses, could that guy prattle on. Evidently he felt I didn't spend enough time dealing with crap.

Wincing slightly at the terrible pun, I pulled out a smokestick and lit it. Well, that clown could find someone else to clean his animals. At least my next job would almost _have_ to be an improvement. I took a drag of the stick, feeling delicious tobacco filling my lungs. I flicked the ash into a puddle in the cobblestone street as I watched a railcar go by, it too exhaling smoke. Someone was shouting down the street in a language I didn't recognize. The city was fairly active, considering the morning light was only just breaking over the mountains to the east. The clouds gathering in the sky looked rather foreboding, though. I'd have to stash my bike somewhere and find a place to sleep.

An inn was definitely not in my budget, but New Castleton was the place to be if you needed an emergency place to sleep. Well, that, and if you spent the nights wandering the city like I did. Having a prybar didn't hurt, either. Dried up sewers, abandoned buildings, forgotten catacombs… Every now and again you could even find some company down there; people who were in the same boat you were, or just adventurers seeking the unknown for the why-the-fuck-not of it. I had started out as the latter a few years ago, but lately I found myself seeking such areas out of necessity. I flicked the ash again, watching the little embers spiral down. One little spark refused to go out. It floated back up towards my face.

"Hello, Link!"

I whipped around, trying to figure who I knew that was this cheery at this hour of the morning, but no one was even remotely near me. The orange ember flew towards my face. I smacked it away.

"Ouch, you jerk!"

Okay, so the burning remains of my smokestick was now talking to me. I'd seen weirder things. Not _much_ weirder, but still.

"Are you drunk? C'mon, Link, you need to talk to the forest guardian!"

That high-pitched voice was grating on my last nerve. I looked around for something heavy to bludgeon the little cinder with.

* * *

Hey folks, I've been kicking this idea around in my head for awhile, so I've finally decided to put finger to keyboard. I've always wanted to see a more futuristic Zelda game, so this is my attempt at realizing a world like that. Some things never change; Link doesn't speak, for example. Of course, Link doesn't smoke, drink, or curse(as least as far as we can tell, anyway) in the games, either, so sorry if those aren't your things. If you are one of those rare and wondrous people who enjoy giving reviews, by all means. Literate input of any kind is always appreciated. Sorry it's so short, I was doing a bit of urban spelunking myself last night, so I'm pretty beat. I'll add a little more detail after I crash.


	2. AmScray

"Come ON, Link!" the little voice squeaked at me. "We're running out of time! It took me way too long to find you, and if we don't hurry, the forest spirit may be lost for good!" There wasn't anything heavy around to hit the little whatever the hell it was. At least I still had my prybar. That ought to do the trick. I stumbled over to where I thought my bike was parked. God I loved that bike. Back when I had worked for my uncle's engine shop, I built a little magic-enhanced engine out of scraps in my spare time. My uncle had liked my design so much he'd given me his enormous old motorbike as a gift. It took me a few years to fix the beat-up piece of crap, but after all this time, it still ran fairly well. Now where the hell did I leave it?

The parking lot had only one small lightpost, and my dark colored bike wasn't making things easier. The fact that the ground seemed to be moving under my feet wasn't helping matters. Finally I spied it leaning up against a street sign. Apparently the local law enforcement felt this was a traffic hazard, because a parchment had been tied to it. I half walked, half fell over to it and grabbed it off the handlebars. 200 rupees for leaving it parked on the street? Fuck that. I dug the small torchstone out of my pocket and used it to burn the fine notice. "Hurry up Link! We don't have to set stuff on fire! Let's go already!" Okay, beating time. Fortunately, the saddlebags on my bike were large enough to fit the prybar. Wouldn't be the first face I'd bashed it with it. I undid the latch and pulled it out. Drunken delusion or not, this little flickering fuckwit was going down. I swung it at the talking orange cinder, but it floated up out of my reach. "Is that the only weapon you have? You need a sword and a shield before you leave this town!" I jumped at it and swung again.

The next thing I knew, my head hurt and I was on my back looking up. The little… whatever it was… was laughing at me. I wondered if it even had a gender. Well, maybe I could outrun it. Driving in my current condition might not be the best idea. Then again, I'd driven in worse condition before. "C'mon, silly! Quit messing around! Are you always this lazy?" …Yeah, definitely worth the risk. I stood up slowly. "I'm Fael! The forest spirit send me to guide you to him! You're lucky he picked me, 'cause I'm the best fairy I know at getting through the lost woods!" I sighed. I would get stuck with a fairy named Fail. Well, the sooner I got away from it, the sooner my headache would go away. I jumped up on my metal steed and cast the engine to life. "That's the spirit! Now listen, I know where we get a sword! Follow me!" The fairy bolted off down the street. Heh. That's right, you little moron, give me a head start.

I reversed the bike and hit the accelerator. The bike shot backwards and I crunched into some poor bastard's vehicle. …Well, that dent should probably buff right out. I squeezed the handgrip and lurched down the street in the opposite direction of Fail. Just going to find a place to sleep for a few hours, and hope the hangover won't be as bad as it was last time I did this. I heard angry yells from behind me. Evidently whoever owned the vehicle saw me ram into it. Oh well. I've got a head start on him, too. Hopefully he didn't catch my ID number.

"Hey Link! Where are you going, the sword is this way! C'mon!"

…Goddess FUCKING dammit.


End file.
